When Hell Freezes Over
by SilverHawk92
Summary: Fiona escorts her mother to Far Far Away for a visit; during which they discover that King Artie has run into some serious problems.
1. Chapter 1

**July 21st, 2012, Saturday **  
**9:00 PM **  
**SilverHawk92 **  
**"When Hell Freezes Over" - A Shrek Fanfic**

**PROLOGUE **  
**RAPUNZEL**

The tears were warm, bitter, and righteous; however they were less righteous than the anger that raged within her - an anger that was barely contained.

She was ready.

His story had never been told. Not entirely. Not to anyone - except her.

His stepmother had always known, of course. She was in on it.

The love of Rapunzel's life had been hiding a past of unsavory lies, corrupt destruction, and fueled venom. His true parents were the first King and Queen; and quite shortly after retirement, had been replaced - by Queen Lillian and King Harold. The time between the switch of monarchs had lasted only a few moments. Far Far Away would have been ravaged if the time limit had lasted any longer. But, as her thoughts had so often pondered, it would have been, once again, righteous.

Charming's parents faked three deaths that following night - theirs, and his. Nothing left to see of them but a realistic and horrible aftermath of what the entire town began to believe. But how could they not believe it? Charming and both of his parents had vanished. It was successful, until a fateful night during which a fellow escapee had literally stumbled into his life. She took pity on him and adopted him, claiming him as her own child. She had saved his life; and in return, he ran all of her errands - simple and difficult; tolerable and just downright unpleasant. They formed an immaculate bond; assisting each other in private and in public. She taught him how to wield swords, and gave him whatever he wanted. If ability couldn't do the trick; power and magic certainly did. Charming grew into an enchanting prince. Handsome, fortunate, and adored. But as he continued aging from a teenager into an adult; his responsibilities changed, and with it, his entire life. His own desires were placed second; replaced with duty. He was to find a princess whose social status was equal to his own.

For years, Charming had lusted after the fiery redheaded princess whose tower he could not access. His powers were now limited because of his new duties; and wielding a sword would be futile and ineffective against the fire-breathing dragon that guarded her tower. Charming never could understand why her parents would lock her away and use such a creature to keep her there. After all, did they not love her? Why would they do such a thing? Perhaps they just wanted to see how long it would take for someone to rescue her - or if she would rescue herself. Of course, the outcome, either way, must have been about her quality as a wife; and who she would attract in the process. Charming never in one million years suspected the horrible curse laid upon the young woman; but surprisingly, that didn't stop his desires. He eventually convinced his mother to force Fiona to fall in love with him: she would consume a drink infected with a potion. But plans turned horribly wrong when her father slipped Fiona the wrong tea in order to save her current marriage. Yes, indeed; she had found another ogre to spend the rest of her life with. Oh, they were perfect for each other! Rapunzel knew it just as well as they did. After all, who else could relate to Fiona like Shrek? They completed each other. But Charming wanted what Charming wanted; and because he was a prince, nothing else mattered.

He had witnessed the plan backfire at the celebration. He hadn't wanted to attend - but social protocol made it a requirement. To further bribe her stepson into going; the Fairy Godmother agreed to his demands, concocting the potion that would make Fiona fall in love with him. Unfortunately, because King Harold wouldn't hear of it; Fiona ended up bashing his head into hers and knocking him out - an action that startled the guests and further aggravated the problem. The Fairy Godmother was so enraged about the pesty king getting in her way that she turned her powers against Shrek; using her magic wand in an attempt to harm or even kill him. However, the king once again wouldn't stand idly by; and he deflected the blow by jumping between Shrek and the Fairy Godmother; wearing a suit of armor.

Charming's mother-in-law had been killed immediately; exploding into thin air with a flash of brilliant purple light and bubbles. Charming had told Rapunzel that he soon left the celebration, quite early, in a wreck of emotions. It took the death of Fiona's father to locate him. King Harold's death made the news; and Charming was motivated to take what should have been his the day his parents retired. Once again a fellow escapee shortly stumbled into his life; and she was just the right person he needed to accomplish the job. At first, that was all he wanted her for - to get the job done. However, fate had other plans. He soon fell in love with Rapunzel; and the pair began sneaking around together; careful to make sure that no one saw them - especially him. The next time anyone sighted him was during his attack on Far Far Away; and following suit was his backup. But he wasn't successful this time, and he was soon killed.

Rapunzel was now in a place of sheer terror. Terror, and rage. A dangerous mix. A fatal combination. And she had two options - seek help and eventually reenter Fiona's life; or continue down the same path and declare war, for which she was ready.

Right then and there, Rapunzel knew what she had to do.

After all, continuing down the same path was considerably faster. She wouldn't have to take precious time and make special effort to regain back the trust of her friends, the kingdom, and the town. And in any case, this was a chance to avenge her beloved.

As the thoughts swam around in her mind; the anger rose to the surface; and something inside Rapunzel was changed and reborn.

And it was utterly and completely lethal.

**CHAPTER ONE **  
**FIONA**

Fiona hadn't been waiting very long when her mother spoke. "Normally when people want something enough to approach a queen, Fiona, they tend to speak of it."

"I'm sorry." Fiona approached her mother. "Look. Mom. Um...Okay, first off, I'm not...human. Not really. And second off, you are! And it's not like I hate having you here; because I don't. I love it. But...I mean, come on; this isn't the place for you! You belong in Far Far Away."

"I wouldn't belong anymore." The Queen finally faced her daughter; and Fiona was heartbroken to see the look of sadness on her mother's face. "I am not a queen. I have no husband."

"That's okay," Fiona soothed. "You can get a nice, cozy little house all to yourself. Do whatever you want."

"I want nothing more than to be with my family," Lillian reasoned.

"Artie's family," Fiona replied. "I don't hear you talking about him."

"That, my dear, is because Artie is king. I can't comment about his patience; but I'm positive he would not have the time to worry about an aging aunt. I am better off here." The Queen studied her daughter's face and followed her instincts. "Why the sudden change of heart, Fiona?"

Fiona sighed and rubbed at her forehead. "Because...well...Because Artie wrote me yesterday and...he says he misses us."

"I miss him too, Fiona. If you write him back, be sure to mention that - but I simply cannot live there again. There would be too many awful memories."

"Memories don't leave simply because we do, Mom. They're not with our houses; they're with us!"

"I'm aware of that. But your father would not want me to grieve; and I grieve less if I'm not looking at the house we had." Fiona opened her mouth to say something, but the Queen continued over her daughter's words. "If you truly enjoyed having me, you would have no trouble letting this go."

Fiona shut her mouth.

The Queen smiled and spoke in a softer voice. "As I said, Artie's priorities are different now. We would barely get to see him. You know that, right?"

Fiona managed a hesitative nod. At that precise moment; Shrek's voice drifted across the swamp, calling Fiona's name.

Lillian smiled sadly; an action that made her appear even older. "I believe your people need you."

Fiona turned, took three steps, and stopped. She looked expressionlessly over at her mother. "We are not people." And she turned and shuffled toward the opposite end of the swamp; dragging her feet as though she were dragging the world by her ankles. Lillian watched her daughter's languid retreat to the situation that awaited her; where Donkey, Puss in Boots, Shrek and Dragon had been playing outside with all the children.

As Fiona approached Shrek, he pointed excitedly to Felicia. "Look, she's walking!"

Fiona looked down at the only girl in the set of triplets to whom she had given birth. All the children had learned to speak much faster than they had learned to walk. Apparently today was their day.

When Shrek looked back at Fiona; she simultaneously looked back at him. Their gazes locked. "You okay?" Shrek asked tentatively.

"I'm homesick."

"This is home."

Fiona nodded, shrugging. "Okay, let me rephrase that. I miss my first home."

"Oh. Well...We could always just...visit."

Fiona looked away. "Mom wouldn't fit in..."

"Oh, and we would?" Shrek barked a little laugh. "I suppose our talking cat and donkey are just your average, run-of-the-mill kind of guys."

Fiona smiled.

"Hey, I resent that, man; I am unique!" Donkey trotted past them. "There ain't no ass like this ass. Yeah, baby!"

This time Fiona's laughter joined Shrek's; and she looked up at him, eyes sparkling. "Well..."

"Hey, come on! Other people do it all the time," Shrek urged. "Besides, I think it would be good for the kids."

Fiona took a deep breath to once again declare that ogres are not people; but Shrek's quick kiss stopped the moment to define their kind. "I'll be right back," he said; the last word pretty much a whisper. He brushed past her; leaving Fiona to think about a visit. A change of pace, rather than relocation. Hmm. Could work.

Fiona looked over her shoulder and was surprised to find Shrek approaching Lillian. Don't worry, she told herself. If he can charm me right into a marriage; he can convince her to visit her hometown. Fiona watched the scene; unable to hear but perfectly capable of seeing. Lillian spun around to face Shrek, and she spoke immediately. Paused. Looked over at Fiona. Said something...Smiled. Shook her head. Uh-oh.

Shrek turned to stand beside Lillian so they could both look at Fiona from where they stood. He gestured right at Fiona, and Lillian shook her head again. Then Shrek spoke, walking away; and she hurried after him, touching his arm. He stopped and turned back to face her, and she spoke; and then Shrek turned and jogged back toward Fiona; leaving Lillian to pace anxiously in his dust.

"What was that all about?" Fiona asked; when Shrek was within hearing range.

"It's all settled! You pick a date and we go."

"Tomorrow," Fiona said immediately.

Dragon, who'd been listening in; sat up straight and made a weird noise; broadcasting it over the entire swamp. Donkey, who was by then right in front of Lillian; turned and said, "She says we leave tomorrow."

"You understood that?"

"Of course!" Donkey's smile was, as usual, big and bright.

"Oh. Okay..." Lillian sighed and resumed pacing. Then she stopped, standing still and staring at the little home in the swamp. "I have so much to do to get ready." She sighed and hurried toward the wooden home built within the hollow tree trunk.

"So much to do...So much like what..." Donkey muttered as he began walking back to his friends. "So much like gettin' in the carriage...'Course, as a male I don't understand women stuff. Always preparation, not enough haulin' ass. Always layin' out the tracks when there's not even no train, that's what they do."

**~AUTHOR'S NOTE~ **  
**Okay, so here is my first chapter! Feel free to comment!**


	2. Chapter 2

July 22nd, 2012, Sunday; 3:15 PM - May 24th, 2013, Friday; 4:30 PM SilverHawk92 "When Hell Freezes Over" - A Shrek Fanfic -

CHAPTER TWO SNOW WHITE

"The life of this twenty-four-year-old prince wasn't as long as it should've been. His death was untimely, and it has shaken us - me, as king; and you, as my people." Artie looked at the many somber faces in the crowd; trying to radiate sincerity, as if he meant the words he spoke. "This nation has taken a substantial loss. I stand before you, wanting very much to restore any faith that might have been taken away. But that isn't in my power, so, instead; I will be hosting a celebration of life for the dearly departed, and you are all invited." He raised his voice so it could carry across the following applause. "It will take place in my grand courtyard, two days from now, and will be in effect from noon to seven." The crowd quieted and he finished less loudly with, "As for now, unless somebody has anything to say, this event is hereby over."

He paused. The whole world seemed to pause; but no one spoke.

Artie, the young and already much beloved king, said with finality, "Then you may all go home. Thanks for coming."

The crowd began to dissipate as people left in large numbers. Artie watched them go. As the crowd quickly downsized, and the yard seemed to expand; Artie sighed in relief, pleased that yet another speech had gone smoothly. Turning, he saw a lone figure; standing under the weeping willow branches that hung over into the courtyard from the other side of the fence. The guards walked right by the shaded silhouette; looking past her with their unseeing eyes.

But it was of little matter. She only had eyes for Artie. Taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders; Artie approached her. "Hi, Snow White."

"Hello, your Highness..." She grinned. "A job well done, as usual."

He only laughed; but fell silent almost immediately. His laughter sounded just as untimely as the death of Prince Charming was believed to be. Growing very serious, he sighed and looked at the stone floor under their feet. "I wish I didn't have to be a king regnant. Doing this alone is so difficult."

"You're fooling me," she answered. "That speech you just gave was beautiful."

"That's because the truth is always ugly," he answered impassively.

"Always? Artie, if you don't mind, I would like to speak to my friend now, and not the king."

Artie's eyes chilled. "The king is all I am anymore."

"No, no. Deep down you're still the boy you were before you claimed that title." Snow White smiled at him as his frozen expression seemed to thaw. "Just remember...sometimes being a friend is much more important than being king."

"I'll try to remember," he said; but even though his smile was warm, his voice was not. "Would you like to join a friend for some tea?"

"I'd love to," she answered; and let him escort her inside the Far Far Away kingdom. As they walked across the large main room; one of the butlers hurried to shut the door, and the resonating echo of their collective footsteps was drowned out as the resounding bang seemed to swallow the castle. Artie and Snow White proceeded to the dinner table, passing a servant on the way. "My friend and I would both like some tea, Lancelot," Artie said, and his old high school bully hurried to do his bidding.

"He serves you now?" Snow White asked incredulously.

"Yeah. It's a small taste of revenge he is paid to give me." Artie smiled; and Snow White forced her lips to return the action, even though her spirits were rapidly plummeting to join her heart, which had dropped into her shoes. How could such a nice guy like Artie become the kind of person Lancelot had been?

But his status was higher than her own; so she bit the words back and waited for her cup of tea.

"It's actually funny how things have turned out..." Artie smiled reflectively at the tabletop. "I didn't think I'd ever have an advantage over him, let alone a better title."

"What's his title?" Snow White asked. True, she lived in Far Far Away too; but oftentimes she was nowhere near the castle. She didn't even know Lancelot's name until Artie had asked for two cups of tea...Where were those drinks, anyway?

Artie began to laugh. "Isn't it obvious? He's my butler now; paid to do what I tell him."

"So, in other words, you employed him as a slave."

Artie could only shrug.

"That's despicable," she hissed. "Can't you see what you're doing to him now is worse than what he did to you back then?"

"Please. He did all that stuff first. I'm just doing what every king does."

"You're getting revenge! That isn't the spirit of a true king."

"How would you know? You aren't a king...You aren't even a queen!"

Snow White sighed and rubbed at her temples; accepting the teacup that was suddenly pressed against her fingers. "Artie, kings are supposed to care about their country; not exact revenge on the people who trust them with their lives because of some past stupidity. You should be smarter than this; you went to school."

Artie looked at her; his bright eyes suddenly seeming to darken a few shades. "I didn't expect you to understand."

"Well then I guess I shocked you, huh?" Snow White set her cup back down, without even have taken a sip from it. "You're going about this all wrong. You need to let him go, tell him he's too good to be a puppet, and...let him go."

"Too good?" Artie's eyes narrowed. "The man bullied me. He deserves this - it's his own medicine."

"Maybe so. But this...This is not the cure," she countered. She stood, completely ignoring her drink. "I'm sick of this. I can't watch you throw away someone else's life. I'm going home." She walked for the kingdom doors. Artie swiveled in his chair and watched her go.

As she walked swiftly around the large, spurting fountan and toward the tunnel that separated the kingdom from the country; she thought of Shrek and Fiona. With a smile, she hurried into the tunnel; coming to the realization of what had to be done. 


	3. Chapter 3

May 24th, 2013, Friday; 4:30 PM - May 24th, 2013, Friday; 6:30 PM SilverHawk92 "When Hell Freezes Over" - A Shrek Fanfic -

CHAPTER THREE

"Shrek? Fiona?"

The couple looked at one other and Shrek rolled his eyes. "You can always hear him before you can see him."

Fiona giggled.

Donkey poked his head into the bedroom. "There ya'll are! What's takin' so long? Am I the only one gettin' ready?"

Shrek sighed in exasperation. "Donkey, please, my head is killin' me, and I have nothing to take for it!"

Donkey smiled, turning to leave again. "I thought you was one of them 'terrifying' ogres."

Shrek dropped his suitcase onto the bed and turned to give Donkey the evil eye. "I'll hurt you."

Fiona quickly intervened. She threw a pair of socks into her own suitcase and then bent down to pat Donkey on the head. "Why don't you go see where all the kids are? It got really quiet in here."

"Alright, Princess." Donkey turned and clopped from the room.

Shrek sighed and smiled at his wife. "Ah. Now it's even quieter."

Fiona smiled and continued packing. "I really appreciate this, Shrek."

"You should. A second road trip with Donkey was not how I intended to spend my summer."

Fiona looked up at him. "I think you'd be surprised at how much common ground you could find. You're both fathers of more than two children - you're both annoyed by one another - you're both guys, which is the mother of all similarities." She grinned. "And you both need to share me and Puss!"

"Hey, if he even thinks I'm sharing you; he's got another thing coming!"

Fiona laughed and affectionately touched his arm. "I love him, Shrek. But not the same way."

They were in the middle of grinning at one another like daft teenagers when a sad sigh interrupted their romantic interlude. They turned to face the old queen, standing alone in the doorway, watching them.

"Something the matter, Mom?" Fiona asked, as she sobered.

"No. No, nothing's the matter. I'm sorry." She turned again, and passed by the room. A second sigh didn't escape Shrek and Fiona's sensitive ears.

Shrek turned to face Fiona. "She's been acting kind of strange lately..."

"Yeah, I noticed." Fiona frowned at the empty space in the doorway.

Shrek looked at his wife and felt two conflicting emotions at precisely the same time - concern for his true love; and fear, for himself. He restively kept packing; and finally, after what seemed like too long, Fiona turned and began folding their children's clothes. Shrek kept stealing glances at her; wondering just what was going through her mind. They packed in silence until finally, Fiona closed the suitcase with such gusto that it made a loud noise, and surprised Shrek. Fiona didn't even spare him a glance as she turned and walked fleetingly out of the room. Her absence was quickly filled with Donkey's presence.

"'Kay, man, that's it; I am done waiting! Just how many clothes you need? I been ready since last night, y'know; it ain't easy for me to be so patient."

"Patient!" Shrek exclaimed. "You're many things, and that isn't one of them!"

"Hmph..." Donkey sat down. "I'll show you how patient I am. I will just sit right here!"

"Good. Stay there." Shrek grabbed his suitcase and hurried from the room; groaning his annoyance when he heard the clopping of hooves behind him. He led Donkey outside and fell back to shut the door once he saw that Fiona was helping her mother inside the carriage. As Donkey trotted to the carriage and leaped up into the box; he rubbed at his bald head. "I must be insane..."

However, he was quiet as he neared the carriage. He saw that the five dronkeys and Puss in Boots were all sitting with Donkey in the box. Puss was curled up in one of the corners. His head rested on his boots; which tucked his feathered hat securely between his head and the boots so it covered his face. Donkey was sitting beside him, muttering under his breath to himself. Shrek didn't express his irritation or the dangerous fluctuation of his insanity as he got into the carriage beside Fiona. She scooted closer to Lillian as Shrek got in and shut the door. Lillian held Fergus and Fiona held Felicia and Fargo; but once Shrek was settled in she handed Felicia to Shrek.

As the carriage began moving forward; Lillian reached down and lifted up a suitcase. With a sigh of effort, she dropped the carriage into the box behind them; wincing apologetically as she heard Puss yowl in pain. Quickly following it was Donkey's bark of laughter. Lillian twisted in her seat and peered out; murmuring an apology before she faced forward.

Shrek, Fiona and Lillian looked over their shoulders as a sudden commotion caught their attention. She smiled as Dragon lifted off the ground and flew ahead; beginning to ascend as she drew further and further away from the carriage until she was nothing but a speck in the sky.

Meanwhile, in the box, Donkey had watched Dragon fly away, leaving them all behind. He lay down. "I sure do wish I could grow wings of my own," he grumbled. "I don't suppose Stiltskin would help me with that once we get there."

This got the sleepy old cat's attention. He lifted his hat; and his bright green eyes glowed in the shade. "If you even consider it, even for a moment, I will tell the Boss of your betrayal."

"But think of how great it'd be..." Donkey's mind was spinning. "Finally, my wife and I would have one thing in common!"

"You are talking out your ass." Puss sat up, smoothing out the feather on his hat. "That is most unwise!"

Donkey tried to sound convinced. "Yeah. You're probably right, Puss."

"Good. I am." He crossed his arms (or crossed his front legs, whichever one was correct). "You know what he is."

Donkey put both ears downward and tried to look ashamed. "Yeah. All trickstery. I know."

"What you need is to find some common ground with her that doesn't involve some kind of transformation." Puss pulled the hat back over his face and settled down again; and Donkey turned toward the carriage to catch the wind. As he relaxed against the breath of nature; he pondered the old cat's words.

He would never find common ground with someone who could ride the wind.

He wasn't aware Puss was watching him again until his harsh words sliced through his mental tirade.

"If you have no common ground, why did you mate?"

Donkey looked at him, surprised. "Because we wanted to."

Puss looked at the mutated donkey-dragons beside him. "But look at what you created. They will never belong, and you made them that way. You should have only mated with another donkey."

With those words, the last vestige of Donkey's self-acclaimed patience wore off. "Well no one else was interested in bein' with me. And she was not gonna find a male dragon, and you know it. So you might not like my choice or even my kids, but I love 'em all. So tough cookie."

Puss stared, shocked that he was actually standing up for himself.

Donkey's eyes seemed to soften at his friend's expression. "Why aren't you with someone?"

At those words, it was as if there was a switch in Puss' eyes, and the light had been turned off. He unresponsively pulled his hat down over his eyes.

"Alright, I get it. You're tired. We'll talk later."

And as the carriage rolled down the street; the air was filled with his incessant chatter. 


	4. Chapter 4

May 24th, 2013, Friday; 6:30 PM - May 24th, 2013, Friday; 8:15 PM SilverHawk92 "When Hell Freezes Over" - A Shrek Fanfic -

CHAPTER FOUR

It had gone from early morning to late night when finally, Donkey made a request. "Shrek, can we stop somewhere?"

Shrek derailed, directing the horses to take them into a forested area secluded from the public. Donkey got out and galloped into the bushes at a speed that surprised even Shrek. Puss leaned over and spoke into the carriage. "Quick, drive away."

For once, Shrek couldn't agree with him. He got out of the carriage and went into the bushes, going in another direction. It didn't take long before the carriage was emptied out and everybody was making the most of their stop.

Donkey was walking along the moonlit path when he looked up and, all at once, realized he had no clue where he was; or for that matter, where the others were. He followed his instincts - the only thing he truly had. "Shrek?"

There was no answer, so he began moving around. "Shrek! Fiona!" He paused and listened intently; but the only thing that answered him was the call of a mockingbird. Figured. Donkey panicked and began walking the other way. "Guys?"

Still nothing. Donkey walked out of the forest and began circling the outer perimeter of the forest; searching for movement or a flash of color. When he spotted motion that came in the form of a light brown animal; he trotted back into the forest and galloped toward it. "Puss? Man, is that you?"

But as he turned the corner, the only thing he saw was a white-tailed deer. "Hey, uh, I don't suppose you've seen two ogres, huh?"

The deer just stared cluelessly at him.

Donkey sighed and turned around. In the forest entrance, he could see Lillian's slight figure. He began galloping toward her; and she turned and began walking back to the carriage. But when he broke out of the forest, the image wavered and then shattered completely.

...And Donkey abruptly came awake. Puss was beside him. His children were beside him. He could hear Shrek's laugh...It had all been a dream. A cruel - and until the end, too real - dream. Sighing, he turned his head and watched the scenery roll past.

Just a dream. Since when did dreams involve hallucinations? This was definitely the first time it had happened to him. Oh well. He was just infinitely glad to be awake. No matter how little sleep he'd gotten...

He poked his head into the carriage; leaving Puss to describe the stars to the dronkeys in peace. Shrek wasn't laughing anymore. He was staring ahead, and his jaw was set. He looked very focused. Donkey looked at Fiona, who just looked lost in thought. And the queen...Donkey's eyes widened. She looked awful. She was completely reclined in her seat. Her hair appeared more gray than blond, and Donkey thought he could see the beginning of bags under her lifeless eyes. They were too lifeless...but then she blinked.

"Lillian? You okay?" Donkey asked.

She didn't look at him. She didn't even say anything. Donkey examined her more carefully. She looked pale, and maybe even thinner...

Fiona touched her mother's arm. "Mom! You okay?"

She let her head roll over so she could see her daughter. Then she forced a very unnatural smile. "Yes."

Fiona withdrew; feeling frightened at the odd expression. "Okay."

Lillian didn't even look ahead again. She just closed her eyes and stopped smiling. Fiona looked away. She had to. But Donkey kept an eye on her; and moments later, he saw her roll over to face away from Fiona. She curled up into a ball, the way a child might.

Donkey pulled his head out of the carriage and turned around; settling down into a lying-down position in the box. As Puss gestured excitedly to the sky, the dronkeys all looked up; so Donkey raised his eyes as well, just in time to see a shooting star blaze through. Donkey tried to wipe the image of the fading queen from his mind. He watched the shooting star fade and closed his eyes to relax - and the carriage hit a nasty bump. He squeezed his eyes shut as he heard shocked cries from inside the carriage. Then he opened one eye to see Puss, staring unhappily at him. He, and the dronkeys, had all taken a tumble and had landed in the same place.

The carriage came to a squealing and rather unsteady stop. Donkey hopped out of the carriage and walked around it as Shrek got out. One of the horses was standing very still; and Donkey watched as it lifted its back right leg into the air.

"What's it doin'?" Shrek muttered.

"Check its frog," Donkey answered; and as Shrek stared cluelessly at him - reminding him of the deer in his dream - he explained, "The frog is in the hoof."

Shrek moved forward.

"Man, what are YOU doing?! You can't just sneak up on a horse; it will kick you right in the nuggets."

"Well, what am I supposed to do?"

"Let him see you, man; THEN check the hoof!"

Shrek sighed in annoyance; but he went around the carriage, even stopping to check each tire before he circled the carriage completely.

"Keep one of your hands on that horse, man, otherwise it'll kick you anyway."

Shrek followed Donkey's advice. Finally he was at the horse's injured leg. "What am I lookin' for?"

Donkey approached him and sat beside him. "You see that little dent right there, that V-shape?"

"Yes..."

"Those rocks inside it are not supposed to be there. You gotta get them out and check for bruises."

Shrek began working on the hoof, and Donkey grinned as the small pebbles fell out. "How do I know if it's bruised?" Shrek asked.

"It'll be soft, like, uh...bad fruit."

Shrek shook his head in wonder. "I think you ruined fish eye tartare for me."

Donkey laughed.

"Okay, it's soft. Now what?"

Donkey looked at him and cocked his head. "You know that saying, 'you can lead a horse to water'?" 


	5. Chapter 5

June 6th, 2013, Tuesday; 12:15 AM - SilverHawk92 "When Hell Freezes Over" - A Shrek Fanfic -

CHAPTER FIVE

Artie was walking through the courtyard when, all at once, a large and mysterious shadow fell on top of the wall across from turned around and looked up at Dragon, who was slowly landing within the property. People looked a little surprised, but now that there was at least one dragon left in the world, it was less and less of a shock - especially since began her frequent visits to the castle.

Artie smiled and approached her, rubbing her jaw as if she were a giant dog. "Hey, Zhorf," he said, and smiled at her peculiar expression. "In the old language, it means 'fire breather'."

"Really?" Cinderella, flanked by Sleeping Beauty, asked. "That's pretty neat."

He turned and smiled at the two women. "I have a nickname for some of the others, too. I think Puss would be an Adros, which means 'fighter'. And Donkey would be more of an Equestro, which means 'little horse'."

Cinderella smiled.

"So what brings you here?"

Cinderella became serious. "I thought you'd like to be informed that your wayward carrier pigeon came to my place earlier with a note for you." She handed a little scroll to him, and he unfolded it and read it aloud, " 'To my nephew, King Artie; with the best of intentions, Fiona, her family and I have set out on a road trip; and we're hoping to drop by at your palace.' " He quirked an eyebrow. "Hmm. This is a little bit bigger than a palace..."

"Keep reading," Sleeping Beauty said around a yawn.

Artie frowned at her but read the rest of the letter. " 'I have one of my crazy intuitions you're about to do something special, and I want to see it take place. Signed, Lillian.' How did she know?"

"Uh - a crazy intuition?" Cinderella planted her hands on her hips. "So, I assume she's right then."

"Yeah. She's right. As usual."

"Well, are you really going to make me ask?"

Artie smiled and gestured to the four chairs surrounding a table. "No, I guess not," he said good-naturedly, as they all sat. "Being a regnant king is harder than it looks, so I'm hosting a, um..." He paused, searching for the right words. He had effectively silenced an entire castle with his words of wisdom; why was he speechless in front of two old friends? Both of whom, he might add, were staring at him, waiting expectantly for him to finish. "Well, see, I'm hosting a celebration of life for Prince Charming. But I thought, maybe, I could...promote myself to find a queen."

The women gaped at him with discerning expressions of disgust or disapproval.

"You're going to turn a funeral into an auction?" Cinderella finally asked.

"No! There won't be any bids, or money involved. Just them, and me."

"Hmph!" Cinderella crossed her arms, sharing her disgust with Sleeping Beauty. "Now I know why Snow left."

"Left?" Artie looked from the grumpy Cinderella to the nodding Sleeping Beauty. "Left town?"

"Yeah. We don't know where...she wouldn't even tell us. She just told the shrunken septuplets that she'd be back, and nobody's seen her since yesterday noon."

"Whoa...a day and - nine hours."

Sleeping Beauty nodded again. "And it's your fault," she slurred. "She mentioned your name, and..." She yawned again. "Okay, I'm out." She put her arms on the table and put her head on her arms. Cinderella scooted forward and leaned over the table.

"You need to find her and fix whatever you did," she said hotly.

"I can't go anywhere, I have a kingdom to run!" Artie leaned over the table and lowered his voice. "You can go, for all I care. If your friendship means that much, then go! But this entire town is more important than one person."

"You like that one person."

"I do not!"

"Yes you do. I can tell."

Artie wanted to roll his eyes and walk away - but he was no longer just a high school outcast. In fact, he was not that at all anymore - he was a king, and he needed to behave like one. "A king doesn't just up and leave his kingdom behind." He paused, and then added, "Snow White left because, clearly, she doesn't want to stay. So I won't make her."

"She left because you hurt her, you idiot!"

"How? How have I hurt her?"

Cinderella shook her head, and suddenly began smiling. But when she spoke, her voice was caustic, and filled with a poisonous hatred. "I'm not going to answer that for you. You're asking the wrong person." She pushed Sleeping Beauty out of the chair and onto the ground, and she came abruptly awake. Cinderella helped her stand. "Come on, let's go find you something to boost your energy." She draped one of Sleeping Beauty's arms around her neck and helped her walk toward the castle.

Artie walked slowly after them; following them all the way to the castle entrance, at which point he shut the door behind their retreating figures. Then he turned and sighed, looking at his butlers and servants. "People!" He held up the scroll he still clutched in his hand. "This is a message from the good ex-queen herself. She is on her way here! So let's make this party especially memorable."

Applause and cheers rumbled throughout the kingdom before there was much scurrying of tempest feet, and flurrying eager hands, eager to do his will. Artie turned and walked halfway up the stairs, then turned and watched the transformation begin to take place.

The sun had risen and the carriage was moving long before Fiona awakened. She stretched, smiling sleepily at her husband; and then summoned enough courage to look at her mother. Thankfully, she didn't look in any condition worse than last night. She was, however, staring pensively into the imminent scenery with a preoccupied gaze in her eyes. One hand propped up her chin; the other was plucking restively at her dress. Fergus, sitting in Lillian's lap, and Fargo, sitting in Fiona's, where playing some kind of two-person clapping game; fascinated with fingers and completely oblivious to their grandmother's odd behavior.

Fiona looked back at her husband and immediately felt her nerves begin to settle. She gently placed a hand on the arm closest to her, and they shared a brief smile. Then he turned his attention back to the road, and she looked straight ahead, over the horses' ears and at the scenery drawing closer toward them. Her thoughts began to wander ceaselessly. The last time they had taken the 7,000 mile journey to Far, Far Away; she and Shrek had been greeted with repulsion and shock by the king and queen. Now, here they were almost two years later - with the much-changed queen in the backseat and only a memory of her husband - in a timeline that was before Puss; and there certainly had been no children. And now, there were a total of nine.

Fiona looked attentively over her left shoulder toward the back box of the carriage. Donkey was curled up in the middle; with his six dronkey children laying down all around him; one of whom was awake and alert. She was wearing Puss' hat, and he seemed to be in a deep, albeit one-sided, conversation with her; however his voice was almost completely drowned out by the steady clopping of hooves. One of his paws held the hat to her head; and the feather on it was ruffling in the wind. She looked up at him in voiceless fascination as he gestured with his free paw to the sky.

Fiona looked ahead again and settled back in her seat; daring one last time to look at her mother. Her harsh blue gaze was fixated still into the distance; but the hardness within them had softened, and her eyes were bright with unshed tears. As Fiona watched in concern, Lillian spoke one word in an almost inaudible whisper. She spoke her husband's name.

"I miss him too."

Lillian looked at Fiona as she heard her voice.

"But...try to smile more when we get to Far Far Away. Everybody needs you."

Lillian sat up straighter and looked straight ahead, bowing her head slightly as the tears seemed to vanish. "There is only one person I need. And I will never have him." Her chin dipped and she ducked her face in both sadness and shame. 


	6. Chapter 6

June 19th, 2013, Wednesday; 2:00 AM - June 19th, 2013, Wednesday; 3:15 AM SilverHawk92 "When Hell Freezes Over" - A Shrek Fanfic -

CHAPTER SIX

Fiona had taken the wheel long before their destination was reached. But at last, on the morning of the third day of travelling; she directed the horse-driven carriage through the tunnel and around the spurting fountain; coming to a halt in front of the castle, which was decorated beautifully. As there had been so long ago; a red carpet, complete with golden tassels, led from the carriage right up to the castle doors. A fairly substantial crowd gathered on either side of the rope fence, which separated the expected royal visitors and their path from the two hordes of people. Peering out at the view, Fiona thought there might be a chance she could vaguely recognize some faces from her childhood, and from her first return to the castle as a wife.

And then, at the far entrance to the castle, the double doors swung open wide and a lone figure stepped out onto the red carpet.

"We're here, at last," Fiona breathed; and Lillian opened the carriage door, moving almost hesitantly. She got out and stepped aside; and Shrek, then Fiona, got out of the carriage. This time, there was no flock of birds loosed to fly in front of them. There was only a dead silence of expectation. And then, as Fiona slowly drew in a deep breath, the crowds erupted into applause; which sent chills of anticipation down the back of her neck.

Lillian straightened her spine, smiled gallantly, and stepped forward; moving with a confidence no widow would ever show. Shrek and Fiona moved forward as one; this time each holding a child instead of one another's hands. From behind them, Puss and Donkey jumped out of the carriage; and the five Dronkies flew overhead. Some people within the crowds looked up in amazement at the hybrid children, who flew over the castle roof and disappeared.

Lillian stopped ten feet in front of the steps and Artie descended them. "Hi, Aunt Lillian," he said awkwardly, and then mentally shook himself. He raised his voice and let it carry clearly through the air. "Welcome home, your Highness!"

The crowd applauded wildly.

Artie stepped aside and swept a gesturing arm toward the castle. "Come on inside." He smiled warmly at Shrek and Fiona as they passed him; and he followed them up the steps leading to the front entrance, at which point he turned and spoke loudly to the crowd. "I hope to see all of you tonight for the celebration of the life of Prince Charming. If you can make it, you will have the party of your lives! If not, we will see you some other time. I also have a special addition I would like to make to the party; until then you are all dismissed. Goodnight!" He backed up into the castle, waving and smiling at crowds that applauded him once more. Then he closed the doors and turned, including his cousin in his smile. "I'm so happy to see all of you!" He embraced her, then Shrek; and then approached Lillian. "I got your message," he said, and hugged her as well. She sluggishly returned the embrace and then Artie stepped back. "I'd like for us to catch up..." he smiled. "But I think I'd better show you your rooms. You'll need all your strength for the party."

"We can find our own rooms," Lillian said dryly; as she accepted the suitcase handed to her by a butler. "We have lived here before."

Artie's smile faded. "Of course, Aunt Lillian," he said humbly, as he watched her walk hurriedly up the stairs. Then he turned to face Shrek and Fiona. "Is she okay?" he asked softly.

Both Shrek and Fiona shook their heads, but wouldn't speak.

From behind Shrek, someone cleared his throat. Shrek turned to face Lancelot, whose eyes became slits in recognition. "I remember you," he said to Shrek.

Shrek smiled, and then he did speak. "I'm pretty hard to forget," he answered, and accepted his suitcase, and then Fiona's. Shrek followed Lillian upstairs and Fiona picked up all three triplets, then followed Shrek.

Donkey turned to Puss, who was turning around and around, trying to look at everything. "Nice d cor, se or."

Artie spared him a brief smile. "Thank the staff," was all he said. Then he turned to Donkey. "You married that dragon, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. She's out there." Artie pointed toward the courtyard.

"Thanks! Man, this is gonna be a good day." Donkey triumphantly flashed his teeth as Puss jumped onto Donkey's back. Donkey began trotting eloquently toward the courtyard, carring Puss with him as he went. He burst into the courtyard, his eyes locked onto his wife and the six Dronkeys flying energetically around her. "They must've napped in the car," he said laughingly.

"As did you," Puss answered; and Donkey pulled a face at him.

"A lotta that was fake sleep, so you'd quit tryin' to make me feel bad about havin' kids with Dragon."

"I don't need to try, burro...They feel bad enough each day, I'm positive."

"They do not! They love their siblings and their parents - you're just close-minded. And all I expect from you is that, seeing as how you're in such a crazy family, you understand my principles."

"You were horny."

"Man, our marriage goes much deeper than that!"

"No, Lillian's marriage did; and I respect her. But your children are weird mutants."

Donkey snapped back an ear, effectively hitting Puss in the face. "You don't understand what it's like."

"Au contraire," Puss said, as he busied himself tying Donkey's ears in a knot. "I understand perfectly. The difference is, my friend, the lives I bring into this world, I don't want to mess up."

"Why am I giving you a free ride if all I ever hear from you is that nonsense?" Donkey shook his head forcefully, freeing his ears. "Get off me and walk!"

Puss jumped off his back and walked alongside Donkey, fixing his lopsided hat.

"Okay, okay," Donkey amended, "Maybe it's not nonsense, exactly. Maybe, if it were anybody else, I'd agree with you. But I love my family and that's all there is to it! And maybe you should just look away."

"They will have a hard time finding acceptance, burro."

"Maybe they will. But they'll have a family to come to, and you're in it; and they do not need to hear that from someone they love as their own." He broke into a trot and passed Puss, reaching Dragon seconds before Puss did. "Hey, honey!" he said, and they kissed. Puss came to stand by Donkey; who was oblivious to the sudden penitence in the old cat's eyes. 


End file.
